A reason, a season, or a lifetime . . . this story has been playing across my mind a lot lately. It is said to describe the people who come through your life. The only one that is not defined by an ending is the person there for a lifetime. But what if, what if you believed that would be your spouse? And now, it isn’t. This is where I should say that we are never alone for God is always with us but I would be a hypocrite if I said that’s what I’m thinking right now. Because I am not.
Right now I am questioning who. Who is my lifetime? Who can I count on when times are tough? Who can I call when my friendships falter? Who can relieve me of child bedtime duties when I am sick and desperately want to crawl into my own bed? Who will be on the other end of a hug when I climb out of a shower with a tear-stained face? Who will wrap me in their arms so tightly I know a piece of me will always be left in that embrace. Who? Who? Who? And why?
Reason, season, lifetime. Was my husband just a reason? That’s it? I can’t believe that and yet he is gone. The reasons are plentiful . . . he taught me love, he taught me the pain that comes with love, he created my children with me, he grew up with me . . . a house, a job, a family, a farm. And in the end his story is the reason my faith is so strong. But just a reason? Hardly.
Maybe a season . . . a season of growing up, growing older, growing wiser . . . and then gone. The season of young adulthood. The season when the future seems like eternity and we know we are invincible. The season when we plant our roots and start to spread our limbs. The season when we begin to realize all that is possible and hope springs eternal. But just a season? That can’t possibly be true.
But a lifetime? The lifetime of love, hugs, planned vacations, and rocking on the front porch. Of raising our girls and watching them bloom. Of dreaming big and chasing our dreams into the sunset. Where did my lifetime go? God. God has a reason. God defines the seasons of our lives. God gives us our lifetime. What is His message for me? And who is my lifetime? Ryan will be in my heart and life for my lifetime. He will live on in our girls and the recipients of his organs. But who can I go to for my lifetime?
This is where I begin to ask God about friends. What friends did he intend as my roots? And what friends did he intend as my leaves? (If you don’t understand this reference check out Tyler Perry’s book. It’s a good one.) This is when that leap of faith comes in. When I am supposed to put my heart and trust and woes in God’s hands. When I turn it all over to him and trust it will be ok. But goodness that’s a struggle right now! I want answers! But alas, that is a reason . . . waiting, trusting, faith. Because sometimes it is not a person that is the reason, season, or lifetime, but the lack of a person that is the reason, season, or lifetime.