Until death do us part . . .

I’d like to wrap all my wounds in scripture and find comfort there but honestly, sometimes I just can’t . . . or won’t.  Not always sure which.  My brother got married last weekend.  It was beautiful; an absolutely stunning ceremony followed by an equally lovely reception.  I hosted the rehearsal dinner.  Halfway through my welcome toast I ended it and sat down.  No one noticed.  Everyone was oblivious to the pain and hurt cocooned in my chest as I watched my dearly beloved brother grin in love and happiness.  Who knew one could feel such dichotomous emotions at once?  I felt – and feel – so much happiness for him.  We are very close and I want nothing more for him than to see him happy and well loved.  But at the same time this evil bloom of jealousy and pain sprung.  Why can’t I recapture that feeling of happiness?  And what if he has to suffer the same pain I have?

When the “what ifs” strike and the swords of jealousy what does God want of us?  See the truth is we are only human.  We will get jealous.  We will feel pain.  We will feel anger.  Do we strike out?  Do we vent and rage?  Boy, I sure want to sometimes!  I want a target for my anger.  A place to lay blame for my pain.  In 1 Corinthians 10:13 we are comforted with “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so you can endure it.”  My brother’s pure joy and happiness was my way out.  It overshadowed the devil’s attempt at jealousy.  And the pain?  That searing, sharp pain of a reminder of all I have lost  . . . Romans 8:18 reminds me “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  Yes, I feel the pain now, but not forever; and my husband is even now living in that glory free from pain and suffering; free from the bounds of depression.  Yes, let us focus on the glory that is to come.

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