Yep, no nice way to put it. Sometimes it just sucks. I doubt that any of us walk into a marriage wishing for early widowhood or even widowhood period. When it comes in your 30s from an accident the shock takes a long, long time to wear off. You function on automatic the best you can especially when there are children to care for. But eventually that shock wears off. The numbness fades and all that is left is feeling. And those feelings are like none other. If you haven’t experienced it you can’t understand it, and you have experienced it you can’t find the exact right words to explain it.
Grief follows no direct course despite what psychologists would have us believe. We move in and out of the stages, not in any linear order, but as if chaos has overtaken our lives. There are days I’d like to just stay in bed. To close my eyes and block it all out. But I don’t. I get up, I take care of my responsibilities and I move forward. I try to stay engaged with life but sometimes it’s just not possible. And that’s when it really sucks. It’s like being the sick kid in the neighborhood watching from behind a window while everyone else plays and knowing I should be there but not knowing how to get there. I feel trapped, heavy like lead, and tired – bone tired. And on those days the I comfort myself with the fact that my children and animals are fed and cared for, loved.
I have an acquaintance who lost her husband about six months before me. Also a mother whose children were a few years older than mine. I saw her the other night and it was clear it was one of those “sometimes it just sucks” days for her. But I also know she has had a lot more of those than I have and I wonder what makes some of us more resilient. How is it that I am finding more joy in life than she is right now? How is it that I’m not drowning myself in alcohol to get away? Is it that I look towards God to guide me? That I carry Him in my heart and believe in His plan even when I don’t agree with it? I don’t know for sure but I think this is probably it. I haven’t lost sight of His love or lost faith in His plan. Some days I’d like to, but I don’t. Some days still just suck, but I know better ones are yet to come.