So here I am . . .

All too often I think we forget the miracles we are and see ourselves as unimportant, inconsequential … but we ARE miracles. We have purpose. And we each are a piece of art created by the greatest Artist man has ever known. Even better, as His masterpieces he cares about even the smallest detail in our life. He wants to hear our every care and worry and joy and celebration. What a comfort to never be alone and to know everything in your life both great and small is valued and validated.

I didn’t learn this easily but during my darkest hours God made his presence known in a way I couldn’t ignore.  Some excerpts follow from the madness of learning my husband, Ryan, had been in a terrible car accident through the two and a half weeks that followed.  Let me say that the support that came during that time from friends, family, and community was humbling.  The sight of a never ending line at the wake and standing room only at the church both overwhelmed me and comforted me.  Here I share what led me here to write about this journey.  It is my hope, my prayer that through sharing I can help someone else through their own journey through the tunnel of darkness and back into the light of living.

“Please continue to pray that Ryan will pull through the injuries sustained from the car accident. Pray for his family, for me but most especially for our girls as I will have to tell them something tomorrow. They may never hear their daddy tell them he loves them again and as a mother I just don’t know how to prepare them for that possibility so I won’t even entertain it for now. But I have to be honest with them. I have to love and respect them enough to give them the pint sized version of the truth and I just don’t know how. Please all, just wrap my children in love and prayers as we travel this road together as a family.”

“More fractured vertebrae than whole ones; hematoma; traumatic brain injury; lacerations to spleen and live; fractured pelvis and sacrum; broken ribs . . . coma.”

“Heart rate dropped.  Intracranial pressure dangerously high.  Unstable”

“Stable.”

“Nope. Unstable again.”

“Moving him to neuro ICU. Severe traumatic brain injury. Adding another monitor – not sure he is getting enough oxygen to his brain. No sign of neurological function.  The chaplain and I met with Taryn and Jenna this morning. The questions are coming slowly. They are loved and supported and right now I couldn’t ask for more. Their whole little lives are changing in the blink of an eye.”

“I couldn’t get through this time without the web of support everyone is weaving. I am humbled by the outpouring of love from our community here as well as friends who aren’t so close but are providing all the support they can from afar. In these darkest of times God has been good and is finding ways to provide the strength we so desperately need right now. I am filled with gratitude for each of you who have prayed, visited, fed me, hugged my children, donated … from the bottom of my heart thank you.”

“Ryan’s parents and I met with the doctor, FNP, and Ryan’s current nurse today. He continues to have high pressures further worsened by the need for a CT scan which required him to lie flat. Sadly long-term high pressures hold a worse prognosis than if they had begun decreasing. We are still in the early phases and have more waiting to do as the pentobarbital (half lie of five days) begins to leave his system. We won’t know brain activity until that point. Ryan’s heart rate and BP was good today with the medications they are using to stabilize those.  Right now his family and I would like prayers that God will take the decision out of our hands – that either He will provide miraculous healing so Ryan can lead a full life that he would be happy with or that God will bring him home peacefully on His own.”

“My heart is torn as to how to provide for their {my daughters’} needs and still be able to take care of Ryan’s needs. I’m tired and cranky. My nerves feel raw and I’m not sure whether to cry, scream, or start smashing things. In the end, I will take some deep breathes and hold it together for a while longer until we can get through this latest crisis. I will give my worries over to God and pray that He can lighten my heavy heart and guide me in how to best take care of my family.”

“Ryan went home to his Father in Heaven this afternoon in my arms and surrounded by his parents and sister. I have been exceptionally blessed to have loved and been loved by one of the most generous hearted men I have ever met and been included in his amazing family.”

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